Right from the begining before i bore the who ever you are with my life... theres some things you should know.
-I can't spell
-i <3 animals and nature
-i always feel better letting everything out... keeping it all in kills me
-i hate me
-my marks suck
-i suffer from depression
-my life sounds like the life of every other teen across the world. im no different than them
-im not attractive
-my two best friends in the world are Caitlin and Lauren no matter what
-i have a younger sister named Samantha who i love and is gorgouse and gets all the guys but really doesn't like me
-i like adding ish and ness and ly to the end of words randomly
My Background
my life starts in Q school (im not going to give all the little details because this is on the internet). My best friend instantly was Alex and later Alana. there were others like Amanda, Nikki, Talia, some of the guys... i know im missing people but alot has changed since then and i can't really remember all of that. i stayed there for 5 years till.. in grade 5, i moved to M. M was a tiny school that ranged from the ages of grade 4-7. It consisted of, at the time i arived, around 25 kids. teachers were great and life was good. i met Caitlin and Alexis there and, first day, desided to be friends. I made friends with others there including Joe and Jack and Noah. As grade 5 became grade 6, the school took a turn for the worst. we got a new teacher and she wasnt "the best" and within the year she had left. the demander of grade 6 a teacher named P came to teach us. she was crazy. she had insain mood swings and would do everything on a wim. We loved her and A (our teacher-helper person). in grade 7 we got another teacher to help P, G. G was great for the grade 4s and maby an immature grade 5 but me, caitlin, and joe were scared about high school while we were learning from the grade 5 text book. Also we had some trubles with the schools owner who profered her children and told G to favor them and to do what THEY wanted. Not fair to us normal children. The solution to this was simple. we hired P and A out of that dump and into Caitlin's bacement with me and Joe. She taught us grade 7 in about 3 months. it was actually amazing.
Highschool was horifying to me. Me and caitlin went to SJS together. it was a small private school with grade 1-12. there were about 300ish of us. we had 47 teens in our grade... the biggest grade of all the school. Horrifying. 3- 300 kids. i was shy and pritty much didn't talk. i had always had a feer of teenagers and now that i was one and i was surrounded by them it just seemed scary to me. i kinda tagged along with N's group but was never really part of it. grade 8 was fine, uneventfulish. grade 9 started my depression. i had absolute hatred for myself. i hate my looks. i hate my grades. i hate everything about myself. i felt guilt for hanging out with people because always had this feeling that they are better than me and i was waisting their time. i didnt want them to say "why wont she stop hanging out with us?" i want to be wanted. i dont want to be the one that just gets on peoples nerves so i stayed away from people. Crying. so much crying. so much pain for this feeling that i was completely unwanted in the world and that i was a waist of life. then i found it. a way out of pain inside, pain outside. im not like a total emo. im actually kinda skared of blood. i found that pushing my finger nails into my skin enough that it really hurt but didnt break the skin. pain was almost calming. i got out of it with the help of Lauren... what am i saying? lauren didnt help she did EVERYTHING. she made me feel wanted wich was all i had wanted from the begging. Lauren saved me. me and caitlin and lauren and a girl sam became a kind of group. this soon ended in a misunderstanding between lauren and sam. me and lauren and cait became a group and soon i was happy. something that was hard. in the summer of grade 9 to 10 was the best time id had in years. me cait and lauren went to seattle and hung out lots of the summer :). we met laurens brotherish guy Rocky. its a long story but he has been threw alot. there was instant chemestry between cait and rocky. we (bein me cait lauren rocky and sometimes james (a friend from sjs) had a wonderful summer. then me and cait went to camp ( bard on the beach) and i met gabe. he was great, sweet, nice. he asked me out and we dated for an exact (to the date) month. I was in love. i adored him. my school books were full of hearts as was my mind that never really concentrated on the teacher. the first time we got together outside of bard was to my house to see my new kitten. cait and lauren came 2. it was nice we went 4 a walk down a near by family-shopping street. me and him snuck away from my friends and talked and laughed. my friends found us and we walked to laurens for a but then back to my place. and after a dare from my sister we kissed. <3 <3 <3. we talked alot on the phone and texted and fb chatted. the second "date" we went to his place. i met his parents who were sweet and nice. he lives in an apparment and it had a pool so we went swimming. that was fun we kissed more.. mostly pecks :). then his friend came to see him 2 and we hung out in his room were we made out for the first time. we made out alot that night. it was so much fun. adrenalin. we got together alot and mostly madeout. when we had been dating about 3 weeks rocky asked caitlin out. i envyed cait and rockys relationship. they talked alot bcause he lives in abatsford so they talk on the phone alot. i tryed to push me and gabes relationship towards talking more and making out less. then he ended it. we were friends for a while but that didnt last ither. if i could talk to him one last time i would say "listen im sorry. i no you just wanted a fling that could start then end. i was hoping for something more. you were my first real bf and i <3ed u alot. i tryed to push us towards the perfect relationship like the one between cait and rocky. it wasn't right of me. i should have been happy with what you wanted. im sorry i waisted a month of your life. and thankyou for loving me". i was sad at first but it didnt last long then i was fine. some things triggered memories of happyness but that no longer exists like that so i got over it. in this time rocky and cait blosomed into full blown absolute love. i envy them soooo much. now ints been months since iv felt love and now i watch as one of the friends i litterally depend my life on is choosing him and im fallig. it also hurts to see them so happy while i feel like death. my life is an act. a play that im starting to belive. i am nown for being happy and upbeat and bubbly but if u looked at me under my the carfully kept fasawd im in pain. i cant help it but all i feel is empty. my life. there are holes missing and stuff left out. stuff i might mention later but tis is all im going with now
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